Tanuj

“I am Not, but the Universe is my Self”

Chinese Zen Master Shih-t’ou, 700–790

Tanuj Kush is originally from New Delhi, India but has lived for many years in Seattle in the United States. He works as an engineer and in his spare time enjoys going mountaineering, playing blues on his guitar and composing music. I met Tanuj in Vancouver, Canada in early 2018. These are his written reflections on some of the philosophical and spiritual topics we discussed at the time.

Question: Why did you embark on your spiritual journey?

Answer: It’s difficult to put my finger on an event that triggered my interest in knowing my self, but I’d say I started to investigate who I really was in my late teens. I was disenchanted with the world around me and did not seem to be finding true peace in any external object. I was doing very well for where I was in life at the time, but something seemed to be missing, there seemed to be a void I couldn’t even describe, let alone start to attempt to fill.

Einstein’s theory of relativity was key in the beginning. I learnt that everything was relative, quite literally, and so wondered about whether there could ever be found anything that was absolute and that existed in and of itself. This is when I started to read about the cutting edge of what physics and physicists had to say about the world around us. This then led me to the incompleteness theorem (of Kurt Gödel) that basically said that a theory could not really explain everything since it was contained in the set of everything it was trying to explain. This would mean it would have to explain itself explaining itself explaining itself and so on, ad infinitum. I found this fascinating and this marked the beginning of my trip down the rabbit hole.

Question: Would you say you have any spiritual beliefs?

Answer: I do not harbor any spiritual “beliefs” per se. My view of the world changes pretty much every day. I constantly use my mind to question anything that starts to look like a belief in my life. This keeps me on my “spiritual toes” so to speak.

My current working theory, if I can call it that, is that there is no outside to whatever it is that you and I are immersed in – this experience called life. What that means is that there is no place to “get” or goal to “achieve” or a state that I want to be in by the time the reaper comes calling. It is what it is, and whatever IT is, does not care in the least for my beliefs or inclinations. Ask me in a few days’ time and this working theory will have been modified. I don’t like beliefs, I think they promote stagnation and decay.

I think frameworks may be more useful than beliefs because they allow one to find one’s own conclusion, as opposed to a belief imposing on one’s self the conclusion beforehand. With that in mind, I find the framework of Advaita Vedanta very useful. This non-dual framework encourages one to question everything one experiences and be honest in doing so. I find the conclusion that one arrives at in following this framework is determined by direct experience and nothing else. This for me sticks much better than any belief system.

Question: What is the basis for what you call your ‘working theory’?

Answer: The basis of my working theory is direct experience itself. The only one thing that I can be 100 per cent certain of is what I directly experience. There is no denying that, no matter how hard my ego tries. Isn’t that then the best yardstick one can use in sizing up this world?

By direct experience I mean simply the thoughts, perceptions and feelings that I assume to be appearing within my worldview. I say “assume” because it is exactly that – an assumption. It is an assumption that what I see is indeed what “I” see, what I hear is what “I” hear and so on. There is no direct evidence of this. There is a co-relation, sure. When I open “my” eyes, the world appears. When I close “my” eyes, the world disappears. So, the appearing and disappearing of the world would seem correlated to the opening and closing of “my” eyes. This, however, is nothing more than a correlation. It would be absurd to say that what appears is “my” vision or “my” hearing or, kicking it up a notch, “my” thoughts.

Question: Can you describe who you are then?

Answer: In all honesty, I haven’t a clue! I can tell you who I “think” I am – a body, a mind, a person, a husband, a dog-owner, a son, a brother etc. But that is not taking us any closer to who I really am. I’m working on this one. My ideas change on a regular basis.

I “think” I understand who I am on an intellectual, rational or mental level. Let me use a quote from a Chinese philosopher to sum up who I “think” I am: “I am not, but the Universe is my apparent Self”. Translating to simple language – I am not that who I think I am (a human being, a person, an individual and so on). However, I am everything that there appears to be, and yet, that is also an apparition. This understanding is seeping into my being, bit by bit, moment by moment.

Question: Do you know what the meaning of your life is?

Answer: I have no clue. I have pondered long, through my teenage years and my early adulthood, about the meaning of life. Through rational thinking, I know for certain that everything that exists, does so only in relation to something else, which in turn exists in relation to something else, ad infinitum. Therefore, there cannot logically be any meaning to my life unless I define one myself.

Question: Would you say that you’ve had any spiritual or religious experiences?

Answer: I have them all the time, though I wouldn’t call them spiritual or religious in the sense that I assume you are asking.

I very often have this experience where I feel that I am immersed in this stream of “going‑ons” about me – the world, the people I am interacting with, my body etc. – but there is no getting “out” of it. In a sense, there is nothing “outside” it. This is it. This experience makes me almost zone out for a second or two and then I’m shoved back into the world of “I am the body/mind”. But each time this happens, I feel some ties loosening, some threads coming apart from the fabric of lies that I have so willingly immersed myself in.

Of late, I have started to have experiences where I am certain that the “individual” I am accustomed to identifying myself with is but a conduit, through which flows all that I experience. I cease to exist, if only for a split second, and there is no thought, no emotion, no feeling. Just a silent peace. This experience leaves me feeling centered. I think the individual is being stripped off of my self. This is happening with a higher frequency every day now.

Question: Do you think there are any key qualities that a spiritual seeker needs?

Answer: Nothing! There is nowhere to get to, so what’s the point of possessing anything, if even a quality? All that is needed is awareness, and that is something a person already has. The truth can be found in a beautiful flower and in a rotting fruit; in the bliss of a beloved and in the abyss of personal loss. It is all around us. We just have to see. It’s beautiful, isn’t it!

Question: What do you think the relationship is between science and spirituality?

Answer: I feel they are converging, and fast. I feel science is a way to go about investigating the physical world around you, but has unfortunately not been applied very widely to investigating the “you” who is doing the investigating. That’s where current day spirituality comes in. Ultimately, science and scientific methods are contained in spirituality and spiritual seeking. That in turn is contained in experience, yours and mine. They are really the same thing, as is everything around us.

Question: Are you trying to achieve something through all of this?

Answer: Ha! No, not at all. In fact, part of the only effort I make on a daily basis is to remind myself not to try to get somewhere, be someone; or in other words, achieve something. I am not even trying to be. I am not trying. But, I am not not trying either. It’s a very subtle idea that I fail to put into words.

Question: Does this affect your day-to-day life at all?

Answer: I find great joy in doing daily chores since I have given up on expecting any particular outcome. It is almost like dancing to a tune when you’re “in” it and feeling the music. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t call these ‘daily chores’ anymore, since that is classifying them and thereby attaching a certain importance, or lack thereof, to them. One has to remember, there is no doer really, there is only doing. How can that not be enjoyed?

Question: What is your biggest distraction?

Answer: I am. My conditioning of being an individual, separate self.

Question: Are there any books or pieces of music or art that you turn to for inspiration?

Answer: It changes. There was a time when I felt very connected to heavy metal, especially British heavy metal. It was a major part of what I did. Then I felt connected with jazz and blues. Then it was trip-hop. Who knows what it will be next. I used to love reading physics-based books. Now I read Advaita Vedanta. I’m sure this will change as well.

Question: Do you have a particular religious background?

Answer: I was raised in the tradition of Sanatan Dharma (broadly called Hinduism). As a child and teenager, I participated in rituals like “puja” and “havan” which were based on the family’s traditions that I was brought up in. However, as my rational mind grew in breadth, I realized I did not understand much of what I did. Why did I throw combustible substances mixed with “ghee” into the fire of the holy altar during a “havan”? Why did each throw culminate with the utterance of the word “swaha”? Why was the “pandit”, who conducted these rituals, closer to God than I was? Why was I honouring the fire? I could not find answers to these and so I gave up these rituals. Perhaps one day I will come full circle and understand them.

Question: To end on a lighter note, do you know any spiritual or philosophical jokes?

Answer: Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Would you like a beer?” To which Descartes begins to answer “Hmmm. I don’t think…” – and he disappears.